How to seduce a boy (or scare him away forever)
by Ultimate Queen of Cliffies
Summary: Elphaba is in love with Fiyero, but she thinks he could never love her back. Galinda doesn't agree, but first, she has to teach her roommate everything about seducing boys. Will that work? Totes. AU, Shiz-era; Gelphie friendship, a little Fiyeraba at the end. Oneshot, musicalverse.


**AN: Yeah, I seem to have lots of inspiration for silly oneshots lately. So, here's another one ^^. Some of you may recognise the amazing balls part (this will make more sense after you've read the thing, I promise :P), I borrowed it from a movie, I just found it funny. Please tell me what you think!**

**Disclaimer: Wicked is not mine.**

* * *

'Oh my Oz, you're in love with Fiyero!'

'Ssh! Not so loud!' Elphaba hissed, looking around the hallway, but it seemed like no one had heard them. Thank Oz.

Galinda squealed. 'That is so thrillifying! You two should date!'

Elphaba scoffed. 'Yeah, right. As if he would ever date _me_. Have you looked at me lately? There's no way he'll ever fall in love with me.'

'Not like this, no,' Galinda agreed, to which Elphaba said sarcastically, 'Gee, thanks.'

'Oh, I'm sorry, Elphie! But you have to admit, you don't look exactly breathtaking with those glasses and that stupid braid and those boring frocks you always wear! Don't worry, though,' she went on, bubbling with excitement. 'Because I'll help you. We'll make him fall in love with you, no matter what!'

Elphaba quirked an eyebrow at the blonde. 'How?'

Galinda smiled broadly and linked arms with her friend, leaning towards her as if telling her a secret. 'By using the famous top five girls' rules of How to Seduce a Boy.'

* * *

'All right,' said Galinda, plopping down onto her bed and looking at her roommate solemnly. 'If you want to get Fiyero to love you back, there are a few things you'll have to do. It'll be a lot of work, but as I said earlier: don't worry. I'll help you.'

Elphaba, who was lying on her stomach on her own bed with her face buried in her pillow, groaned. 'Is this really necessary?' she asked, her voice muffled by the pillow.

Galinda nodded violently. 'Yes.' She got up to get a pencil and a piece of paper from the desk and started scribbling down notes. 'All right. Are you ready?'

A huff and again a muffled voice from the other bed. 'No.'

'All right then.' Galinda tapped the pencil against her cheek. 'Let's start with your appearance. I'm going to give you a makeover!'

Another groan. 'Please don't.'

'Yes, I will! Do you want Fiyero to love you back or not?' She didn't wait for a reply, but jumped from the bed and started collecting make-up, clothes and all kinds of beauty utensils. 'Sit down on my bed and stay still.'

Elphaba grumbled, but obeyed nonetheless. Galinda sat down behind her to brush her long, black hair. When she had untangled it completely, she started curling it, arranging it around the green girl's face and over her shoulder until she was satisfied. Then she removed Elphaba's glasses and started applying make-up to her face, lipstick, eyeliner, eye shadow, mascara, and things Elphaba didn't even know of what they were called. When she was finished, Galinda got up from the bed and started rummaging around in her closet before pushing a dress in Elphaba's hands and shoving her into the bathroom. 'Change.'

Elphaba changed into the dress, which reached only to just above the knees and was an ivory colour. The green girl rolled her eyes at her mirror image before leaving the bathroom. 'Galinda, I look completely ridiculous,' she complained, but Galinda shook her head frantically. 'No you don't! Now let me go with the finishing touch,' she said, pulling something from a drawer and pinning it into Elphaba's hair. Then she dragged her friend to the mirror to show her what she looked like. 'Look at you!'

Elphaba looked. There was a flower in her hair that was the same colour as the dress. Her hair was tumbling over her shoulders in raven black curls and she was wearing some silver jewellery that Galinda had borrowed her. She looked…

'You're so pretty!' Galinda squealed, jumping up and down. 'This is amazing,' she declared. 'All right. Appearance: check. Next up is behaviour. I'm going to teach you how to behave around boys.' She put on her high heels and walked over to the other side of the room. 'Pay attention. This is how you walk.' She started walking, slowly, gracefully placing one high heeled foot in front of the other, wiggling her hips. 'Got it? All right. While walking, you flutter your eyelashes, like this,' Galinda demonstrated it, 'you purse your lips,' Elphaba decided to swallow a remark about her roommate looking like a goldfish when she did that, 'and toss your hair like this.' She stopped to face Elphaba and tossed her golden curls over her shoulders. 'Toss toss.'

'Walk, flutter eyelashes, purse lips, toss hair. Got it,' said Elphaba, trying to hold back her laughter. Galinda nodded enthusiastically. 'Well remembered. Now you try it.'

Elphaba felt positively ridiculous when she started walking through the room, wiggling her hips exaggeratedly, meanwhile fluttering her eyelashes and pursing her lips. 'Toss toss.'

Galinda squealed. 'Very good! We'll keep on practising, just so that we'll be sure you'll _completely _blow him away. Now, speech. You always talk like my mother.'

'Thanks,' Elphaba said sarcastically. Galinda giggled. 'No offense, Elphie, but you do. You talk all grown up and stuff – like an _adult_,' she said with disgust, as if that were something repulsive. 'Girls our age don't talk like that. You have to get hip with the lingo.'

Elphaba stared at her. 'I have to get what?'

Now it was the blonde's turn to roll her eyes. 'Learn how to talk like the popular girls, Elphie. All right, so if I say, 'That boy over there is hot!', then what do you say?'

'What boy?'

Galinda sighed in exasperation. 'There's not actually a boy there, Elphie, I need you to _pretend_.'

'I got that. I was just going along with it. Usually when you say 'That boy over there is hot!', I say 'What boy?', because unlike _some _people, I'm not all that interested in boys.'

'Sweet Oz,' Galinda muttered. 'I'm going to have even more work with this than I originally thought. All right, let's just pretend _you _noticed the boy too and you agree with me that he is hot. What do you say?'

'Um… I agree?'

'No!' Galinda exclaimed. 'You say 'totally' or, in short, 'totes'.'

'Toads?' Elphaba asked, puzzled. Galinda sighed. 'No, not toads. Totes. Like totally, only shorter.'

'I see.'

'So, Elphie, that boy over there is hot!'

Elphaba rolled her eyes. 'Totes.'

'Perfect. Just leave out the eye roll next time,' Galinda advised her. 'So every time you agree with something, you say 'totally' or 'totes'. Got it?'

'Totes.'

Galinda giggled. 'Okay. If you think something is nice, you don't say 'nice'. You say 'fabulous' or 'wonderful' or 'amazeballs'.'

'Amaze-_what_?!'

'Amazeballs,' Galinda told her. 'It's like when something is amazing, only way more amazing than just amazing, so you say 'amazeballs'.'

'Galinda, that does not make any sense at all.'

'It's not supposed to make sense. Just say it. Let's practice. 'Elphie, there's a dance at the OzDust tonight!' What do you say?'

'I hate dances.'

'_Elphie_!'

'All right, all right!' Elphaba gave in. 'Amazeballs.' She rolled her eyes. 'This is so _stupid_.'

'No, it's not! It's going to make you popular, just wait and see. Just one other thing: the motto of students our age is YOLO.'

Elphaba sighed deeply – she would have buried her head in her pillow if she hadn't been wearing make-up, but she didn't want mascara smudges on her pillow and she certainly didn't want Galinda screeching over her ruining her make-up. 'And what's _that _supposed to mean?'

''You only live once',' Galinda told her. 'It's pretty much an excuse to do anything illegal, or exciting, or _fun_. Which brings me to the next point on my list: drinking. Elphie, if you ever want to be popular and get Fiyero's attention, you _have _to drink some alcohol. You don't have to get drunk or something, but drinking water at parties – on the rare occasions that I get you to attend one – is _not _cool. You have to learn to drink beer.'

The green girl made a face. 'Do I have to? I hate beer.'

'Drink beer,' her roommate told her sternly. Elphaba sighed again. 'Fine. What else?'

'Hmm…' Galinda skimmed over her list. 'Flirting. I pretty much told you the basics when I mentioned behaviour, you know, the hair tossing and lip pursing and eye fluttering, but I need you to flirt with other boys to make Fiyero jealous. It's how things work with boys.'

'And what makes you think anyone would appreciate me flirting with them?' Elphaba asked sarcastically. 'They'll probably just laugh at me and I don't see how _that _will make Fiyero jealous.'

'True,' Galinda admitted reluctantly. Then her face brightened. 'Ooh! Perhaps we can pay someone to pretend to be interested in you!' At the offended and slightly sad look on Elphaba's face, Galinda decided to let that plan slide. 'Forget the flirting. Just ignore him instead. When we go out – all of us, I mean, Fiyero, Nessa, Boq, you and me – you talk to everyone but him. When he says something, you either nod, smile just the tiniest bit, or ignore him. Try to be nonchalant.'

Elphaba scowled. 'Lin…'

'I'm serious.'

The green girl huffed. 'Fine.'

'And last but not least – the most important thing of all, actually: drop the sarcasm. Really. It's not pretty. It only pushes people away and we don't want that, now do we?'

'No, we don't,' Elphaba agreed reluctantly. 'I mean… totes.'

Galinda clapped her hands. 'Perfect! Now, let's practice some more…'

* * *

'Hi.'

Elphaba looked up in surprise, only to see Fiyero stand by the table. She immediately remembered Galinda's lessons and directed her gaze back to her schoolwork, trying to look nonchalant. 'Oh. Hi.'

He slumped down in a seat next to her. 'Can I get you a drink?'

'Totes,' she said. 'Some beer, please.' He gave her a weird look, but didn't protest and got up, only to return within a minute with two beer. 'Here you go.'

'Thanks.'

He looked at her. 'You know, you didn't exactly strike me as the beer type. I've never seen you drink before.'

'No,' she admitted, 'but, well… YOLO!' She drank it and kept herself from pulling a face. It tasted awful. She noticed him staring at her and almost snapped, '_What_?!', but she figured Galinda would think that to be too close to sarcasm to be allowed, so she settled for, 'Is something wrong?'

'Hmm? No,' he said, a little too quickly. 'I just… Um… You look…' _Ridiculous? Yeah, I know. _'Pretty.'

She hid her surprise well and bent deeper over her notes, allowing her long hair to hide her blush. 'Thanks,' she said curtly.

'So…' he said a little hesitantly. 'I take it you did well in that Life Science exam yesterday?'

'Yeah, totes,' she said, trying not to think of how incredibly _stupid _this was. This was one of the longest conversations she'd ever had with Fiyero, however, so it must be working. 'You?'

He made a face. 'Not so well. The teacher said I need someone to tutor me, or I won't make it through class, and then I thought, since you're doing so well… Would you mind tutoring me?'

Inwardly, she did a little dance, but she kept her face straight. 'That sounds great… Um… I mean… Amaze…' She tried desperately to remember the correct popular expression for 'great'. She looked up at him, into those beautiful azure eyes, and suddenly, she forgot what she had been about to say. They were so hypnotising, she was falling down into them and she never wanted to stop falling. Sweet Oz, what was happening to her? 'Your… balls are amazing?'

She flushed when she realised what she just said and he looked like he was trying to stifle his laughter, but he was failing horribly. She gulped down half her glass of beer, nearly choking on the foul taste, before hastily getting up. 'I need to… um… use the bathroom,' she said quickly, before hurrying over towards the ladies' rooms, remembering to swing her hips and toss her hair in the process. When she reached the bathrooms, however, she buried her face in her hands, moaning.

Galinda, who had been waiting in the ladies' room for Elphaba to see how her friend was making progress with Fiyero, looked at the green girl eagerly. 'So? How is it going?'

Elphaba moaned again, her face hidden in her arms, leaning on the sink. 'I just told him his balls are amazing.'

Galinda's jaw dropped. 'Okay… that was not exactly how we planned things to go,' she said hesitantly. 'But it's not so bad, really, I think…'

'Are you kidding me?' Elphaba groaned. 'I can't ever go near him again! I made a complete fool out of myself!'

'Tell me about the rest,' Galinda urged her. 'Did you do the sexy walk? Toss your hair? Were you nonchalant? Did you say 'totes' and 'YOLO'?'

Elphaba kept on nodding. 'Yes, yes, yes and yes. And he told me I looked pretty. And I drank beer, which, by the way, is the worst thing I've _ever _had.'

Galinda giggled. 'All right, then you probably haven't blown it _completely_! Just go back in there and… um… just stick with 'wonderful' or 'fabulous' from now on. Stay away from the amazing balls. Amazeballs is cool, telling a boy he has amazing balls is… well, _not_.'

'I figured out that much myself, thank you very much,' Elphaba snapped, but then she sighed. 'Sorry. I'm just feeling a little… um… extremely embarrassed, I guess.'

'Oh, Elphie, you'll be fine!' Galinda reassured her before pushing her out of the ladies' room. 'Now go and make me proud!'

Elphaba sighed, plastered on a fake smile and stepped out of the bathrooms, only to bump straight into Fiyero. She looked up at him with wide eyes. 'Did you just _eavesdrop_ on people talking in the _ladies' room_?'

He looked amused. 'Is Galinda in there?'

Elphaba flushed. 'No. Why would she be?'

He grinned at her. 'She's in there, I know it. Is she… _coaching_ you on how to get me to…'

'No!' Elphaba cried, but that only confirmed his guess and his grin broadened. 'Could I talk to you for a clock-tick?'

'Totes,' she said, trying to remember Galinda's guidelines, but she was feeling completely lost by now. Fiyero took her back to the table they had been sitting at before and looked at her. 'Galinda gave you a makeover.'

'She did,' Elphaba admitted reluctantly. Fiyero nodded. 'And she told you exactly how to act around me.'

'No she didn't!' Elphaba protested, but he didn't buy it for a second. 'Come on, Elphaba. You never wiggle your hips or toss your hair, and you never drink beer. And to hear you say 'totes' and 'YOLO'… It's kind of funny, really,' he conceded, grinning again. 'You just have 'Galinda' written all over you.'

She sighed, giving in, resting her head in her arms on the table. 'Fine. She Galindafied me. She dressed me, she taught me how to behave, how to talk, everything. I didn't even know what 'totes' and 'YOLO' meant before today, using Galinda's 'sexy walk' just makes me feel ridiculous and I absolutely _hate _beer. Happy now?'

He was still grinning. 'You did all of that to impress me?'

'No, of course not!' she protested, but again, she couldn't fool him, and she dropped her head back onto her arms with a groan. 'Fine. Yes.'

He sighed. 'Oh, Elphaba, you don't have to do that.'

She eyed him wearily. 'Because I don't stand a chance with you anyway. I know that, I told Galinda, but she just wouldn't listen, and I'm sorry, and…'

'Elphaba.' He leaned over the table and she lifted her head to look at him. 'It's not because you don't stand a chance with me. It's because you really don't have to try so hard to impress me. I was impressed the very first moment I saw you and that hasn't changed ever since.'

She could hardly believe what she was hearing. 'Do you mean…'

'You don't have to do all this.' He smirked. 'You are amazeballs just the way you are.'

She groaned, but couldn't help but chuckle when she saw him laugh. 'You can't possibly be serious.'

'I wasn't serious about the amazeballs part,' he told her. 'But I was serious about the part where I said you are perfect just the way you are. Though I do like that colour on you, and I love it when you have your hair down…'

'I'll keep that in mind.'

'So, Elphaba…' He looked at her with those enchanting eyes and she found herself staring back at them in awe. 'Would you like to go out with me tonight?'

Her heart was fluttering around in her stomach as she tried to remind herself of how to speak. 'Yes,' she finally managed to say. 'Yes, I'd love that.'

His grin lit up his entire face. 'Good.' He got up from the table and went over to her, sitting down next to her instead of opposite her, his gaze never leaving hers… At least not until he leaned forward and kissed her.

It was amazing, and her heart pounded in her chest as he pulled back just the tiniest bit. 'Hmm,' she murmured against his lips, smirking slightly. 'Your balls really are amazing.'

He chuckled, a chuckle that she could feel vibrating in his chest before he pulled her closer to kiss her again. 'So are yours.'


End file.
